| The moment came when I finally woke up .. |
[01 Oct 2004|01:48pm] |
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.. nothing .. |
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I've been thinking alot lately. Mostly about my past and sorta future. I've been busy finding reasons for things I never could understand before. I talked to Rebecca about it, and I feel a lot better now that I got it ff my chest. Here's the things I've concluded (not many but still):
Whitey: Okay, so when me and him broke up I was completely devastated. I mean .. really upset. But I've finally gotten over him (2 months later). I was talking to Becca one night about it and I really started opening up to her and I surprised myself when I found the reason for my boken heart. I think the reason me and went out was because God wanetd me to. Sounds wierd, but hear me out. Me and him started going out right after I got out of MHRC for the injection thing. I think God, sent Whitey to me because he knew I was fixing to give up, so he let me fall in love and have a reason for living. Get it? God didn't want me to give up right then .. and so he gave me something to look forward to everyday. And when he saw that I was able to live happy and that I was really okay, he took Whitey away.. which hurt for a while, but I'm better now and glad he's gone.
Courtney: Well actually, my grandma brought this up and explained this to me. We think the reason God took her away was because she was in the army and fixing to get shipped to Iraq this month, and he knew that she would've died a horrible way. So he let her took her home peacefully.
Well, thats all for now. Nothing more ..
<3 Ash
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| At school .. nothing to do. |
[24 Sep 2004|02:08pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Caitlin Talking ... |
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Well, I'm sittin in 4th period with absolutely nothing to do. This class is so incredibly boring!! Bleh ..
Tonight is Sabrina's party. I can't wait. We're all goin home with her after school (she's drivin .. sorta scary). Then we're goin to the mall and movies. So this should be fun. I can't wait ... nothing else to write.
<3 Ashlee
P.S. Caitlin Rowe is the biggest nerd in this world !!
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| For once .. everything's going good. |
[23 Sep 2004|08:04pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Good Charlotte |
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Well, this had to have been one of the best days in the longest time. Me and a lot of the people on the bus got things worked out. Well, Caitlin's the only one I'm happy abotu getting things worked out with. Life's just too short for it all !!
<3 Ashlee
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| Ruined plans are finally worth it |
[19 Sep 2004|03:23pm] |
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music |
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Hoku |
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Yesterday started out extremely well, but ended up .. well not extremely well. Betsy, Megan and that group came down from Atlanta. So, we spent the whole day with them and the rest of their family. We all went to St. Augustine beach, so that was a lot of fun. When we were there "Aunt" Betsy got pretty drunk, and somehow talked my mom into letting me get my belly button pierced and do whatever else I wanted. Quite wierd. So the plan was set, we were all going to get our belly buttons done.
When we got back to Betsy's moms house, the whole family was there. Blain was being a complete jerk, and I got in an argument with him. Pretty bad a 14 year old got in a fight with a 29 year old guy .. he's so childish. He was so mean though. Then Betsy drank a lot more .. it was crazy. But, she was having fun, so it was nothing really awful about it. Then we finally got them to all come to our house, after Megan through her little fit. Ugh .. brat. But it was fun, I guess. (Even though I ended up not being able to get my belly button done last night, but my mom said I will be able to another day .. soon)
Haha, I found a bunch of my old CD's and I was going through them. A lot of them are actually pretty good, but the rest of them, I don't know what I was thinking. (Which explians the title of music)
<3 Ashlee
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| John 3:16. I've read it, said it, and applied it. So get over it. |
[16 Sep 2004|08:26pm] |
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mood |
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Something Corporate |
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Today was pretty good, I guess. Things got screwed up for a while on the bus. But I think they're better now. There was a lot of screamin and yellin on the bus, though. It was supposed to be a normal conversation between me and Samantha, but the whole back of the bus go in it. It was about a lot of stuff that I did wrong, that didn't really go along with the fact that I've proclaimed to be a Christian.
However, Samantha told me something that really hurt me. She said I'm not a Christian at all. She said even if I'm saved I'm not one, no matter how hard I try. That really hit me hard. JUst because I made a mistake, doesn't mean I'm not a Christian. I'm saved and I took my mistakes up with God and I know they're forgiven. But, I guess I need to think about things before I do them. I never knew taking a stand for Jesus in high school could be so hard .. but it is.
<3 Ashlee
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| <3 Devon <3 |
[15 Sep 2004|04:38pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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music |
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The Eddie Foye Band |
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Today is a really good day compared to what I've had in a long time. 1) Ashlee has a boyfriend. Yes you guys .. it's true. I finally found one a good one. =)
Mom-- sorry for disappointing you again. Sorry I can't be the daughter like other people have. I wish I could be. I hate making you upset when I deal with problems the way I do. But no matter how many cuts are on my wrists .. I love you so much. I promise one day I'll be the daughter you'll be proud to love .. I guess just not right now.
<3 Ashlee
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| Guess who's back? |
[13 Sep 2004|03:43pm] |
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upset |
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Nothing .. |
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Well, I thought the old side of me left and the side of me that could handle pain and problems arrived. Guess not .. the old side is back. Enough said ... don't be mad.
<3 Ashlee
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| So boring .. this entry can't have a title. |
[12 Sep 2004|08:06pm] |
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bored |
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Story of the Year |
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Today was so boring and not to mention lame! Absolutely nothing exciting happened. Lauren (my cousin) spent the night last night .. enough said. No, just kidding. We had fun, I guess. We went to church this morning. Church was so BoRiNg! This whole day was boring.
I finally finished my website last night. I guess it looks alright. Check it out. I re-did my journal. Can't you tell? Can anyone but myself see the pink checkerboard background .. ?
<3 Ash
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| Once again .. I'm breaking down. |
[10 Sep 2004|03:34pm] |
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depressed |
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Something Corporate |
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Well, this entry is going to be so different from yesterdays. But at this point, I don't care about anything! I'm so sick of people right now. I'm sick of people being so mean. Like Megan said, "how can people be so hateful and not even care?" Doesn't anyone care about me crying my eyes out, thinking about doing things to myself? Or wait, that would just give everyone more reasons to talk now wouldn't it?
I'm sick of everyone spreadin rumors about me that aren't true. Some of which, are, but still, why does everyone have to focus on my life? Don't they have enough problems of their own to worry about? I was so high spirited until I started going back to school. I'm so sick of backstabbing friends, false rumors, people callin me names for no reason or for rumors they heard that aren't true. I'm so sick of everything. Gawsh! Can't people just stay off my case .. for once? Focus on something or someone else .. like YOURSELF!
<3 Ashlee
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| So much accomplised within a year .. but I don't feel like I've gotten anywhere |
[09 Sep 2004|07:53pm] |
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mood |
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 thankful |
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Fall Out Boy |
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So, I was thinking last night about how far I've come since the beginning of 8th grade. I mean, so many things I've overcome and so many things I've gotten myself into. I mean, grannit hard times are guna come, but I've overcome a lot of those hard times.
I went from cutting [as a result of dealing with problems] to talking. For me, this is the biggest challenge I've ever been faced with. I went from cutting 15 times a day, to hardly cutting at all. I sit here and think about all the pain I caused people last year, and how I was so selfish. Selfish enough to attempt to take my own life .. which I owe to Rand--->(read last paragraph). Even though I try and forget about all the tears I cried this past year, I still have the scars that will never leave me. That has to be the overall worst part of cutting .. is that you'll always have your selfishness, and pain with you your entire life. =(
Other accomplishments are: being involved with church more than I ever have, bringing up grades alot, not caring what people think, not being self-centered .. as much. There's of course more .. but I don't want to waste anyone's time for accompishments I never seem to get credit for. In majority of yall's eyes I'm still the same life hating self mutilating freak .. but that's okay. I know I've gone the distance ..
Dedicated to Rand <3: I don't even know where to begin. It's not every day you find a friend like you. I've known people my whole life, but they've never amounted to the friend you've been to me this past year. I owe you everything .. pretty much my life. You were one of the few who stood by my side in 8th grade, and sometimes I don't know why you did. You could've done so much better than me, and I hate myself for bringing you down with me at times. It kills me knowing our friendship pretty much had to end with me going to a different school. But coming from your bestest goodest friend .. I love you. You are such a great person, and I miss being able to talk to you like I used to. I miss you so much, and I thank God everyday for giving me you in 8th grade. If it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't be here today. Even though our frienship is seperated by different schools and different counties -bleh- .. I don't want our friendship to end. Ever. I miss you. Thanks for .. saving me.
<3 Ashlee
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[06 Sep 2004|04:28pm] |
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Slipknot |
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I hate Florida for one reason. Hurricanes! I'm not able to stay at my house because the power has been out since 2 p.m. yesterday. It's now 4:30 the next day and the power is yet .. still out. So I'm stuck at my mom's friends house playing dress up with a 4 year old, and staring at these boring white walls. Yea .. fun right? I want to go home though, regardless of the 100 degree weather it probably is inside.
As you all may have heard: I, Ashlee Wright, am officaly done with Jacob Ladson. I have now realized that he is one of the biggest jerks I know and I don't deserve to be treated like that. I just dont know what my problem is. It seems like no matter how bad he treats me, I go running back to him. Well, this may be the first and last time you hear me say this: I am done with him. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! -feels a sense of relief-
And no Megan: Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't go boy to boy, and just because I did "it" once, doesn't mean I'm going to do it again. Got it? Dwell on that a while ..
<3 Ashlee
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| Don't make someone a priority that only makes you an option. |
[02 Sep 2004|05:26pm] |
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Ashlee Simpson |
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Well, the title says it all doesn't it? Don't make someone a priority that only makes you an option! That's how I am with Jacob right now .. It seems like I've made him this big part of my life .. and he still has Erica in his life. Erica is his old girlfriend and she is still so in love with him, and he's not, or he doesn't know if he still likes her. Jacob tells me over and over again he likes me, but I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of knowing he has a chance of going back out with Erica. It's really upsetting to me.
Well, I'm going up to the football game tonight, so I'm not going to be back until late. That's another thing I'm mad at Jacob about. He told me he would come to our game, but what happened? Erica called and asked if he would go to her game. So what is Jacob probably going to do .. ? EXACTLY!
<3 Ashlee
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| I'm sick of the sorries .. they're not good enough any more ! |
[01 Sep 2004|08:56pm] |
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J Kwon |
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I've said it once and I'll say it again .. I hate my dad! I can't stand anything about him. I don't know he can call himself a dad .. to me anyway. I hate having a dad who makes me cry every day. I hate his apologies even more though. I hate having faith in each one of his sorries, because deep down I know they'll end up broken. I hate him and all the stuff he puts me through. I'm mad at my mom even more for marrying him ... =(
... I guess I'll have to take everything in my old ways ...
<3 Ashlee
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| I'm the only broken hearted loser you'll ever need ... |
[28 Aug 2004|08:30pm] |
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mood |
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Heart Broken |
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music |
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Usher |
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I'm kinda boy struck at this point. On the way to the movies, I heard "Burn" .. the song that used to make me cry over Whitey. Well, I stopped crying over him because I'm over him. Well, that song came on the radio and the next thing I knew my mom said: Ashlee, why are you crying? I guess I didn't realize I was until she mentioned it to me. I guess I was crying because I was thinking about him and thinking about how I'll probably never have someone make me that happy ever again. I mean, everyone has someone .. but me. I feel so left out, and sometimes I wonder, if Whitey was the last person to make me feel the way he did. I really miss talkin to him and stuff. I mean, I don't like him anymore, but it makes me wonder sometimes.
Then I got on the internet and started talking to Jacob. Come to find out, him and Erika are probably guna go back out. I'm pretty upset about that. I mean, I tried so hard to forget about him and I even told him I didn't like him anymore .. but it was a straight up lie! Now I'm even more heart broken than I was before.
<3 Ashlee
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| : ) .. I think |
[26 Aug 2004|09:23pm] |
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Slipknot |
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Today was alright. Nothing exciting. Nothing exciting ever happens in my life. I'm just one boring little kid. . .
Heh .. well, hm .. gawsh I have absolutely nothing to write in here today. I know there's gota be something. Oh yea .. Chris Lemmon is the biggest jerk I know!! Long story .. but I'm very upset with him. He lied to me and he broke his promise. What a jerk. I'm glad Jamie broke up with his sorry butt.
Me and Jeremy are talking more and more. He is the coolest kid in this entire universe! lol You should feel incredibly special now, Jeremster!
Well, I got Juvenile's autograph today. it's sweet I guess. I don't know.
<3 Ashlee
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| Guy # 5 ... ugh! |
[25 Aug 2004|07:17pm] |
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mood |
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Smiley |
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Sarach McLachlan |
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Well today was a lot better than yesterday .. and yesterday was freaked pimped out. Yua .. white girl just said pimp. Heh ..
Well, me and Kyle talked alot in first period. He is so sweet. Jacob and Austin said they would get mad at me if I went out with him because of the whole thing that he hit some girl last year. Jacob is being real protective about the whole thing though. He wants me to be happy but he said if Kyle lays one finger on me he'll kick his uh .. butt! I guess it's sweet of him and Austin to be lookin out for me, I would rather that than them not care at all.
Then lunch kinda sucked. Jacob was bein a jerk. But we're good now .. like always.
Me and this guy Jeremey started talking a lot. He is the sweetest boy ever. He makes me feel really happy about life. Who knows where this ones guna lead. : ) But yea, he's such a sweetheart. I like talking to him. He's so cool. <33
Ugh pictures tomorow ... yuck! This sucks!
<3 Ash
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| The best day ever !! |
[24 Aug 2004|08:24pm] |
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 giggly |
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music |
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S Club 7 .. don't ask. |
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Man, today was so awesome. Lunch was the best. But overall, today was great.
1st period: We were all talking so much. Me and this boy Kyle talked a lot and we've been talking for a while, but today he told me he liked me. I was like aw ... ! And then this kid Steve or whatever asked me out. I said no, considering the fact I met him like 10 minutes before he asked me out. Hello? Nerd. But I mean, Kyle .. He's isn't someone you would break your neck looking at if you saw him walking down the hall, but he's cute. But he's so sweet. Ohmigoodness. He's a sweetie. : ) I just don't know what I should do about the whole Jacob thing though. Urfgh!
Lunch: Haha! Ohmigawsh. Where should I start? Well, the minute I sat down with Jacob and them, I went to go move my bookbag, and I knocked over this full glass of lemonade and it landed all over this kid. So needless to say it looked like he pee'd in his pants. I felt so bad, of course it didn't show because I was laughing so hard. Then, not 2 minutes after that happened, Jacob spilled his blue slushy all over him and and A.J. That was funny. Then I kept grabbing Jacob's knee .. come to find out he is the most ticklish kid ever. He laughs so funny when you tickle him. Heh .. it was funny.
Today was just an all around great day. I loved it.
<3 Ashlee
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[22 Aug 2004|08:53pm] |
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Missful |
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Trust Company |
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Oh junk. I haven't updated in forever. . . Wow. Nothing interesting has happened.
Friday night I went over to Caitlin's house. That was a blast. Me and her went 4 wheelin with Justin and his cousin or something, Brandon. They ditched me and her in like 100 acres of land .. so me and her got so lost. I almost died though. She drives like an idiot. : (
Well I talked to Rand and Noel today. I really miss them. Especially Rand. I miss him so much. It's not everyday you find a friend like that. Now it sucks because I'll never get to see him again!
<3 Ashlee
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| : ) -smiles- .. -cries- : ( |
[18 Aug 2004|08:58pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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Ashlee Simpson |
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Well today sucked and it was good. I just got back from church .. that was awesome but somehow I still managed to cry.
The good: Me and Jacob are finally friends again. That's always a plusser! I really missed talking to him .. alot. I bought him a thign of cookies and attatched a note to it that said how sorry I was and all of that good stuff. Then we talked on the internet a lot. So that's good. Then, my mom and dad talked about "everything". I'm excited but then again I'm not. I'm excited because it means no argueing for atleast a week, but then I know that's where everything will go back to the beginning. : (
The bad: I cried at church today. I was just thinking about how much I would love to see my dad get closer to God. How much I would love to be like other fathers and daughters. Then Brother Todd had to mention suicide. I hate when he discusses that. I hate knowing I'm labeled as one of them. I hate knowing how the people at church and old friends talk about me. It sucks to know all that.
<3 Ashlee
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